Why i feel lonely.

I’m a good liar, i’m good at pretending i’m fine when i’m not. Behind closed doors i get myself in such a state and why? because i feel lonely.


Apart from my family who mean the world to me, throughout my life people always leave and it hurts. I’m one of those people who no one seems to want to befriend and if they do, someone better will come along and i’m treated like a piece of rubbish.

I’m a very shy person, i find social situations very hard and i especially struggle with conversations. I in no way intend to come across as ignorant when i don’t say anything, it’s how i’ve always been. I may not say much but believe me i can hear everything around me and i know what is going on!

I see big groups of friends interacting on social media and when i’m going about my day to day life and i just want what they have. I could literally switch my phone off for a month and i’d have zero texts/calls (apart from the phone company and maybe jobs i’d applied for) from a person. I’d have zero notifications on Facebook because i’m basically invisible on there.

I don’t have a best friend to tell me how amazing i am, no one to tell me when i look nice or how funny i am. I think to myself, Why does no one want to get to know me? Is something wrong with me? 

Because of all this, i can’t help but get upset because i feel like a nobody. I go to my room where no one can see or hear me and i cry, i cry because i feel alone and invisible.

I tweet about how crappy i’m feeling because i want someone to show that they care, i don’t get much attention so i crave it. I hope someone somewhere reads this who feels the same, please comment if you do because it would make me feel less alone.

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I’m 24 and i’ve never been in a relationship….

Yesterday i came across a  video from a Youtuber named Sammi Quinn titled: I’m 20 and I’ve Never Been in a Relationship! and from watching it and reading the comments it really resonated with me.


I’m not afraid to admit, that i myself have never been in a relationship. I’ve always felt quite isolated when it comes to my relationship situation. Apart from a girl i met on Twitter who’s in the same situation, i think not knowing anyone personally who too hasn’t had a relationship has added to it but seeing the community of people who are in the same situation makes me feel less alone.

I’m 24 and aside from never having a relationship i’m also yet to have my first date, first kiss and basically first everything. It’s easy to put blame on myself and to feel like i’m the reason that i’ve been single all this time. I’ll think that i’m not pretty enough or that i don’t have a good enough personality, the reasons go on and on.

It’s also hard seeing loved up couples on the street or on social media and wishing you could have even a tiny bit of what they have. People who were in my year at school are getting engaged, some are even married with kids and i just feel like if they knew about my love life they would think that i’m a joke. 

Not once in my school life did i had a guy show interest in me. People would get asked out all the time at school but not me! Sure enough i had crushes but they would always turn me down, a couple of them ended up dating my then best friend which hurt my feelings. It made me feel like i wasn’t good enough compared to her and it impacted how i seen myself looks wise.

I’ve been signed up to dating sites for a number of years now and i have yet to actually meet someone from it. I’ve had a number of conversations with various guys, quite a few have shown interest in meeting up but i always end up backing away and quite often i just stop messaging them. I know it’s awful of me to do that but i get scared about the thought of meeting up with an actual guy for the first time and just cannot face the situation.

The thing is, i know why i’m scared to meet someone.
1. I’m scared and i’m nervous, i get that nerves are normal and to be expected but i’m shy enough as is.
2. My insecurities don’t help. There are thoughts going round in my head like “Would he find me attractive?”, “Would my outfit look nice?”, “Will my shyness make the date awkward?”.
3. The fact that i’m 24 and with every passing year i’m getting older and feeling more negative about getting a boyfriend and i just get used to being single and am more accepting that someone like me just isn’t going to find love. And the longer time goes on the more embarrassed i feel.

Despite everything that i have written in this post, i won’t force myself to find a guy just for the sake of it or to impress others. I’m continuing with the online dating with a positive attitude and if i get talking to a guy who i really feel a connection with then i’ll cross the bridge of meeting him when i come to it. 

If you are reading this and you feel like you can relate to what i have said then please leave a comment. I love talking to people who are in the same boat as me and it’s nice to communicate and update each other on how things are going. Also if you were in my situation and you’ve found your first love then please tell me your stories, it will be nice to hear what you have to say. Please only comment if you have someone nice to say on this, negativity isn’t appreciated. 

50 Random facts about me!

Lets get started, 50 is a lot of facts….


1. I am a Libra 
2. I have a sister
3. I have a cat and 2 Guinea Pigs
4. I work in retail
5. I love going to concerts
6. My fave male artists are Adam Lambert, Olly Murs, Nathan Sykes, Shawn Mendes & Charlie Puth
7. My fave female artists are Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Lea Michele & Ariana Grande
8. My fave groups are 5SOS, One Direction, OneRepublic, Little Mix, The Vamps, Union J, Hometown & The Wanted
9. Cry For Help by Hometown & Hotel Ceiling by Rixton are two of my all time favourite songs
10. I was front row at the One Direction On The Road Again tour and Harry Styles threw water on me
11. Glee is my fave TV show in the whole wide world
12. Other TV shows i love are One Tree Hill, Bad Girls, 90210, Gossip Girl, Skins & Smash
13. Naley & Finchel are my OTPs
14. I’ve seen Wicked & Hairspray in the west end
15. I’ve been to Florida in the past and want to go again someday
16. Australia & New York are my dream places to visit
17. I have a fear of Spiders & needles
18. My fave movie genre is a Rom-Com
19. My fave movies are A Cinderella Story, 27 Dresses, The Fault In Our Stars, The Hunger Games series & Eddie The Eagle
20. My celeb crushes are Zac Efron, Sam Claflin, Taron Egerton & Dave Franco
21. I go to watch the horse racing at least once a year
22. I love sweetcorn, pizza & bacon
23. I could spend hours watching YouTube, my fave YouTubers are Zoella, Pointlessblog &
VelvetGh0st
24. I like to read, preferably a romance or non fiction
25. I prefer Twitter to Facebook
26. I love Seahorses
27. My idol is Lea Michele 
28. I’ve met comedian Al Murray, TOWIE stars Joey Essex, Amy Childs & singer/YouTuber Conor Maynard
29. I studied media for a while at college but left after a year as i didn’t enjoy it, though i do enjoy writing hence this blog!
30. I used to have a lovely Jack Russell dog called Tiny and someday i’d like to get another one
31. My fave quotes are “Being a part of something special makes you special.” & “It is
only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
32. I can’t ride a bike
33. My fave colours are anything glittery or metallic
34. I’m left handed 
35. My fave drinks are Coca Cola, Coffee, Naked smoothies, Slushes & Baskin Robbins shakes
36. I share a birthday with Eminem, Felicity Jones, Max Irons & Scarlett Moffatt 
37. My fave lessons at school were English, IT & RE
38. I wear glasses and would like to get laser eye surgery at some point
39. I have a girl crush on the singer Bebe Rexha
40. When i was younger i was a massive fan of Steps, S Club 7, S Club Juniors & Busted and i’ve seen them all in concert
41. I’m more of a saver then a spender
42. My fave albums are Fearless by Taylor Swift, Hometown’s album, 5 Seconds of Summer’s debut album, Take Me Home by One Direction & Word of Mouth by The Wanted
43. I’m not very tall
44. I have a sweet tooth
45. I dislike smoking & rudeness 
46. I’m not really a selfie taking person
47. Jason Derulo, Sam Smith & Years and Years have all liked my tweets
48. I like watching documentaries about life in prisons, they make for an interesting watch
49. I love the Eurovision Song Contest
50. I love shopping and finding a bargain 

 

 

 

 

My New Years resolutions

I have come up with a list of 10 things for my New Years resolutions of 2017, some are quite personal to me and others are just things i want to do more. 


1. SAVE MONEY
I would definitely consider myself to be more of a saver than a spender but last year i didn’t really save as much as i would’ve liked too. I have set myself a goal of how much i’d like to save by the end of the year and i’m already 1 tenth of the way there. I also have money boxes which i’m saving different coins in and even though they take a while to build up it’s still extra money.

2. TAKE STEPS IN MY LOVE LIFE (Even if that’s just going on a date)
I’ve spoke about my love life in a previous post but basically i’ve never had a boyfriend or been on dates and all that jazz. I’ve been on dating sites over the years but it’s never amounted to anything which is mostly due to myself. There have been a few guys who i’ve had some great conversations with, some of which i was talking to every day for months. But when they’d bring up going on a date i’d freak out and stop communication. This year i really want to dip my toes in the dating pool but i want it to be with someone i really trust, who lives local and someone i have things in common with.

3. READ MORE BOOKS
I like buying books and i do enjoy reading, in fact some books are as good as a TV show or movie but i always seem to spend my time doing other things. This year i want to take more time out to read more and spend less time on the internet or watching  TV. I already have a pile of books that i’ve yet to read and by the end of the year and i want to have read them all.

4. BE MORE SOCIABLE
I wouldn’t consider myself to be a confident person and i prefer my own company than being with others but this year and i want to try and talk to people a bit more. I want to make more of an effort in conversations and try to get even a little bit of enjoyment from social situations that i don’t normally enjoy.

5. TO HAVE MORE CONCERT EXPERIENCES
Going to live music shows is one definition of happiness for me and i just want to continue with the amazing experiences. This year i’m seeing Olly Murs on his own tour for the first time and i’m seeing The Sons Of Pitches again but at a venue i’ve never visited before. I’m also seeing The Vamps & Little Mix again (the Little Mix concert is on my birthday!!) both of which always go above and beyond with their tours. There are so many artists who i really want to see but they only seem to go to places that aren’t near me, so this year i want to go to a different place and see an artist i’ve always wanted to. 

6. BE LESS SELF CONSCIOUS 
I very often say that the mirror is my enemy and i really wish it wasn’t. I’ve been very insecure about my looks since my teens and some days i feel worse than others. Recently i haven’t felt as bad though, my skin has been a lot more clearer (touch wood) and i’ve just felt a lot less insecure. The funny thing is that i rarely ever wear make-up, i’m quite comfortable going out without it so a part of me must feel comfortable in myself. I just want to go about the year no worrying about silly things like how i look, i don’t want it to affect my life.

 7. BLOG MORE
I really want to post more on here as i really enjoy putting my thoughts out there, i love talking about what interests me and i hope that the people reading this listen to the music and watch the tv shows that i’ve recommended. I really like telling people about the things that i’m enjoying and would like to at least do one post a month.

8. TRAVEL MORE
I would like to do more with my free time, like when i have a weeks holiday from work. I love London and haven’t been in a number of years now so i really want to go again, i want to see another west end show and also visit Madame Tussauds (I want to see Zoe & Alfie’s waxworks!) 

9. ONLY BUY THINGS I REALLY NEED
Even though i’m definitely more of a saver, a lot of my money seems to go on stuff that i don’t necessarily need. For example, there are so many great bargains to be had during sale times and on many occasions i have bought things just because they were cheap when in actual fact they never even got used. Money that is spent on purchases that weren’t well thought out could be spent on something that is needed or evens saved up.

10. TREAT MYSELF MORE
So this may be the opposite of the above resolution but it doesn’t mean that i want to go on spending sprees all the time! There are many times when i don’t buy an item that i really do need because i don’t want to spend money on it but this year i want to try and treat myself to the odd thing every now and then. I wear glasses so i’d really like to get some different ones and there are things i’d like to get for my bedroom too. I believe that everyone should treat themselves every once in a while.