Yesterday i came across a video from a Youtuber named Sammi Quinn titled: I’m 20 and I’ve Never Been in a Relationship! and from watching it and reading the comments it really resonated with me.
I’m not afraid to admit, that i myself have never been in a relationship. I’ve always felt quite isolated when it comes to my relationship situation. Apart from a girl i met on Twitter who’s in the same situation, i think not knowing anyone personally who too hasn’t had a relationship has added to it but seeing the community of people who are in the same situation makes me feel less alone.
I’m 24 and aside from never having a relationship i’m also yet to have my first date, first kiss and basically first everything. It’s easy to put blame on myself and to feel like i’m the reason that i’ve been single all this time. I’ll think that i’m not pretty enough or that i don’t have a good enough personality, the reasons go on and on.
It’s also hard seeing loved up couples on the street or on social media and wishing you could have even a tiny bit of what they have. People who were in my year at school are getting engaged, some are even married with kids and i just feel like if they knew about my love life they would think that i’m a joke.
Not once in my school life did i had a guy show interest in me. People would get asked out all the time at school but not me! Sure enough i had crushes but they would always turn me down, a couple of them ended up dating my then best friend which hurt my feelings. It made me feel like i wasn’t good enough compared to her and it impacted how i seen myself looks wise.
I’ve been signed up to dating sites for a number of years now and i have yet to actually meet someone from it. I’ve had a number of conversations with various guys, quite a few have shown interest in meeting up but i always end up backing away and quite often i just stop messaging them. I know it’s awful of me to do that but i get scared about the thought of meeting up with an actual guy for the first time and just cannot face the situation.
The thing is, i know why i’m scared to meet someone.
1. I’m scared and i’m nervous, i get that nerves are normal and to be expected but i’m shy enough as is.
2. My insecurities don’t help. There are thoughts going round in my head like “Would he find me attractive?”, “Would my outfit look nice?”, “Will my shyness make the date awkward?”.
3. The fact that i’m 24 and with every passing year i’m getting older and feeling more negative about getting a boyfriend and i just get used to being single and am more accepting that someone like me just isn’t going to find love. And the longer time goes on the more embarrassed i feel.
Despite everything that i have written in this post, i won’t force myself to find a guy just for the sake of it or to impress others. I’m continuing with the online dating with a positive attitude and if i get talking to a guy who i really feel a connection with then i’ll cross the bridge of meeting him when i come to it.
If you are reading this and you feel like you can relate to what i have said then please leave a comment. I love talking to people who are in the same boat as me and it’s nice to communicate and update each other on how things are going. Also if you were in my situation and you’ve found your first love then please tell me your stories, it will be nice to hear what you have to say. Please only comment if you have someone nice to say on this, negativity isn’t appreciated.